Another, already? But someone not so new .. Per usual with you.
Always keeping one eye open 🌚
I can’t wait to not live in Massachusetts anymore. California I’m coming for you, full time.
It almost hurts my feelings and I almost want to care but that just seems really fucking dumb.
my dignity and self worth has never been pushed to the point of breaking as much as it has this past year. i was in what i would say to be the closest to an abusive relationship that i have ever been in for the better part of 2014. i am just now realizing that being told you aren’t good enough, and being treated like you are not a human being is extremely detrimental. i let someone get into my head on way too many levels. he always made sure to let me know that i could be prettier, or cooler, or smarter or better. that i was never good enough for him or for anyone. that no one was ever going to take me seriously in any sort of way because i just wasn’t the million things that he thought was perfect.
i let him rip me apart and tear into me to the point where i did not know who i was. i spend night after night after night for 10 months wondering what i could do to be better or to make him want me in the way that i needed him to want me. i made every excuse in the book for him when it came to his disloyalty and pure dishonestly. i knew every little thing that was going on behind my back…every girl.. every lie … everything he told other people about me. and somehow i told myself it was okay. that i deserved to be treated like the dirt under his nails. i was nothing to him and he was the world to me. nothing he did could change that. he belittled me in public and on several occasions pursued other girls in my face, yet i went back time and time again.
ten months later and countless terrible experiences have brought my to my actual breaking point. i never thought i would get here but i am so thankful that i am here. i know it is going to take a lot of time and effort to get back to who i was before any of this ever happened. before i met this person who took away everything i had, but i am determined to fix this for myself.
never let anyone tell you are aren’t good enough… never let anyone make you feel that way. the number of times i’ve heard this in the last year is a tremendous amount, but i never understood this until now.
the experience of going through something like this is nothing that anyone can fully understand. i put everything in my life on the line for a glimpse into something that would never be. for a moment of comfort or a night of blind happiness.
i need to pick up the pieces.. i know it is going to be a long road, but slipping up is inexcusable for me at this point. i won’t go another day, another moment, thinking i am not good enough to be loved or to be admired.
thank you for teaching me this incredibly painful lesson. i’m sure someday i will be able to say this all made me stronger.